I am thinking....i have been going through the entries of my journal...particularly the purgings in regards to my mother....the angry poems...harsh yet deserving words...
All the rage, the sadness. the emptiness have almost completely faded away..... So peculiar!!!!....What does it mean?? I longed for this peacefulness my whole life. Now it seems i am getting there, and sometimes i do not know how to handle it! WHAT THE FUCK! It is almost like...If i am not angry, unloved, abused...then who am i? It has been such a long time since i thought of HER or dedicated any time to write anything that has to do with her. And even longer since i cried over her.
It is like her presence or rather her absence i should say in my life is...irrelevent. Am i just too buzzy enjoying this new chapter of my life that i just destruct myself from feeling any kind of pain? Or could it be that i actually have gotten to that point of my life, that the past is just THAT. THE PAST! If we leave our pasts behind, are we then fooling ourselves? DO WE LOSE OUR SENSE OF IDENTITIES?
Am i moving on, possibly forgiving the woman who first gave birth to me, then 15 years later tried to kill me and left me to the streets? Why have i stopped being angry? Did i just get to the point that i am tired of being hurt, enraged...am i just numb or a grown up? VEEEEEEERYYYYYYYYYYYYY CONFUSING!
If my purpose in life stops being trying to heal my old woonds, if i have gotten there, in an emotional healthy, fulfilled, happy stage, then WHAT IS MY STRUGLE NOW??? Or am i just fooling my self? How long before this euphoria ends? And if it doesn't, does THAT make me un insensitive BITCH or a person who has finally gotten all the pieces together and moved on???

hmmmm....I just had a very...mm..."clear" thought...Don't know why but for the last few days i have been in a constant state of self awareness...in a state of searching for something....don't know.
We all heard this cliche describing how the kind of person who wants to tear others down is the very same person who hates themselves, with a low self esteem..A cliche right?
I went on thinking over how much truth there is in that statement...and then took it a little further...or rather ...sideways (?!)
The kind of person who wants to tear others down is the very same person who has been teared down themselves, the very same person who do not receive love....because when i think about it it is really very simple:
We love the whole world when we are in love, when we feel that we are LOVED. On the same token don't we become cruel and hateful when we are being ignored and unloved....feel free to ignore this if you like...but just a thought! :)

HOLY SHIT!!! I Just finished taking this test on how difficault my life has been and this is what it said:
"Near Impossible!!
Dear Lord. Based on your family, money, political context, and personal situation -- during the important years of your development -- it appears your life was NEAR IMPOSSIBLE. What does this mean? Well, the "difficulty" of your life is a measure of how rough you had it. In your case it appears the dice were thrown snakeeyes -- so much went wrong during your development years that it's become hard to succeed. My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 99% on difficult "
It is not like i did not know...but it still suprizes me that i scored so low...i guess i do not think of my situation or analyze the matter as often as i used to. It has been a long time that i decided that my past should stay in the past....and i guess after a point, all of it became kind of "normal"!! "ordinary" . My life. I had stopped thinking about it...feeling. Became kind of num to all of it because of the effort that i put to take things as they are and try to do the best out of them.
BUT THIS INDEED WAS A REALITY CHECK FOR ME ONCE MORE! ...especially that last phrase "so much went wrong during your development years that it's become hard to succeed"....Am i a faillure? Do i still have time to make up and be a success story at the end of it all? ....and if I AM a faillure indeed, was my past really the rison i have failled, or have i been responsible for this..What has been my contribution to this Faillure???...can i blame everything on circomstances...how far can this take me??
...as i keep questioning all of that, i keep coming to the same conclussions: my past should stay in the past..take things as they are and try to do the best out of them....and the more i belive in the above, the more i feel the need to strive for the better.
I DO HAVE TIME, I WILL MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF. End of story.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME DOESN'T GET IT.......BUT ME VERY HAPPY ..........! (Should i feel guilty for that?)

I AM BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!
HELO, HELO, HELO!!!! GOD! how long has it been???? like 3 months?!!! SOOOO MUCH HAS CHANGED.......i don't even know where to start! I will do my best to state the most important events though.........
So i was engaged for almost 2 years (for those of you who do not know me) when everything started to go to hell. He went back home for vacation for a month when i started realizing that not only i was not missing him in the way i quess i should have, but also he had turned into this overly selfish, self involved, un nurturing creature i did not know. He would not call as often, and every time he would call it was all about what a great time HE was having, and within 5 minutes he had to hung up because he was out with his friends. No sweet text messaging (like last summer) or sweet, comforting conversations. He left me all alone for a month in the United States (no family here....or anywhere for that matter ;), no nothing!
To top it all, he announces to me that HE decided that upon his graduation, (within the next year) HE wants to move back home, because HE has all these great opportunities to work in academia, because HE wants to get involved in our country's politics, and after all HIS LIFE WAS THERE!!!! when i asked how about me and my dreams and opportunities (i am a college graduate musician/Political science) the answer that i got was "What? you can find some place a restaurant/bar that you can play" ....!!!!! 0 0 0 !!!! I should probably mention around here that he was telling these bullshit to someone who has been on her own since she was 15 years old (now 26) and who has put herself through college on her own in a foreign country!!! YEAH! LIKE I NEEDED A FUCKING DEGREE TO PLAY IN A RESTAURANT OR BAR KIND OF SETTING!!!LIKE I NEEDED TO TRAVEL TO THE OTHER END OF THE WORLD ALL BY MYSELF TO "ACHIEVE" THIS! DON'T GET ME WRONG! I HAVE BEEN PERFORMING IN THESE KIND OF SETTINGS FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS AND I LOVE IT! BUT TO THINK THAT THIS WAS ALL HE COULD HOPE FOR HIS FUTURE WIFE, WHILE HE HAD ALL OF THESE GRAND PLANS FOR HIMSELF WAS INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO ME!!!!
I waited till he got home to have a serious talk with him and over our future and offered him the compromise of "ok! Not in the US, Not back home, Anywhere else in Europe" (45 minute plane flight from our country). His response was once more that his life was back home with his family. Oh! I should also mention that both of these 2 years I WAS TAKING CARE OF HIS INFANT DAUGHTER FROM HIS PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP. NOT TO SOUND A BITCH. I LOVE THAT CHILD WITH ALL OF MY HEART...I AM THE ONE SHE CALLS MOM, BUT IF HE HAD A FAMILY ANYWHERE I WOULD THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HERE WITH ME, THE WOMAN WHO RAISED HIS AND SOME OTHER WOMAN' S CHILD AND HIS CHILD! NOWHERE FUCKING ELSE. At that point i realized that i had made all the compromises and sacrifices that i could have done and still be able to live with myself. It was time to let him go. No use of wasting ourselves another year together only to realize that we want WAAAYYY too different things in life right? I felt that i had already spent 2 years of my best years in life (Between 24-26) going to bed early, waking up at the crack of dawn to take care of him and the baby, while being a full time student and working part time. WHAT MORE DID HE WANT FROM ME? A KIDNEY??
SO....... WE BROKE UP AND MOVED TO DIFFERENT APARTMENTS. THIS IS WHERE IT GOT MORE COMPLICATED BUT WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE THE BIGGEST BLESSING IN MY LIFE ALTHOUGH VEEEEEEERRRRRRRRYYYYYYY FUCKED UP CIRCUMSTANCES! While all of these where taking place, fights over the phone, me feeling betrayed and as if i had wasted away my best years, i would confide to my best friend, whom we all shared an apartment together for a year...I KNOW IT IS A CLICHE....HAPPENED WAY TOO MANY TIMES....NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANY EXCUSES BECAUSE I DO NOT REGRET ANYTHING AFTER ALL!!! A BITCH? MAYBE! We got even closer than ever before..NOTHING physically....HAD I DONE ANYTHING I WOULDN'T BE LYING ABOUT IT! But he would try to calm me down when i was angry at my Fiance, try to make me see things from his perspective, warned me not to take any hasty decisions......GENUALY THERE FOR ME AS THE FRIEND THAT HE WAS. (This is the person who had announced to me the death of my adopted mother 2 years ago, and held me when i was sobbing uncontrollably) because everybody felt that he was the best suited for the task...our relationship goes back.. To make the long story short, after me and my fiancee broke up and moved out, i found my self questioning my feelings for my friend/roommate...and i could feel it clearly though i did not want to see it, that he was having the same questions in his head too. I could not face the fact that I could become another one of these stereotypes...Girl breaks up with boy...girl runs in the arms of her best friend and a mutual friend of her ex!!! NO! THAT COULD NOT BE HAPPENING IN MY LIFE!!
We both fought it till the end....finally a little over a month after my break up,me and *S* got together....I now find out that he had been feelling like this for me for a couple of years, though at some point he had decided that if he could ONLY have me as a close friend, it would have to be enough for him....the alternative back then would have been not to have me at all...."I had to make myself content with you just being like family to my ...otherwise, i would have to give you up" ! BUT OFF COURSE WE CAN'T SHARE OUR JOY WITH MANY PEOPLE BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO CAUSE MY EX MORE PAIN..(Though 4 days after we broke up and still leaving together he spent the night out to his date...this is how he "copes")
I CAN NOT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I FELT SO ALIVE, SO CALM...HE BRINGS OUT IN ME, A PERSON I DO NOT EVEN KNOW! BUT THAT I LIKE VERY MUCH...I AM KIND AND OPEN WHEN I 'M WITH HIM..VULNERABLE BUT YET FILLED WITH A SENSE OF BEING SAFE...
THE SMALLEST LITTLE THINGS TOUCH ME,
HE ASKS HOW TIRED I AM, IF IHAVE EATEN OR IF I WANT HIM TO TAKE ME OUT FOR DINNER,
HE GETS OUT OF BED TO BRING ME WATER AT NIGHT AND MAKES COFFEE IN THE MORNING,
HE ASKS IF I AM COMFORTABLE AT NIGHT,
WHEN I GET SCARED OF SOMETHING (and my defense mechanism makes me shutting down)
HE PATIENTLY WAITS TILL I FEEL COMFORTABLE TO OPEN UP AND EXPRESS MY SELF...
EVERYTHING.....SMALL THINGS HE DOES JUST DRIVE ME CRAZY!!!
I AM DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH HIM AND I THANK GOD HE IS IN MY LIFE!!
I DID NOT KNOW I WAS CAPABLE OF HAVING SUCH INTENSE EMOTIONS FOR ANYONE....IT FEELS AS IF I COULD BE IN A SHIT WHOLE SOMEWHERE BELOW THE EARTH WITH HIM AND STILL FEEL AS IF IT IS OUR OWN PARADISE...AS IF NOTHING FROM NOW ON COULD EVER GO WRONG..
HOW COULD I HAVE ALMOST GOTTEN MARRIED TO SOMEBODY ELSE LAKING THESE BEAUTIFUL GENUINE FEELINGS I POSSESS FOR *S* IS BEYOND ME! I CONSIDER MY SELF THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ON EARTH, THINGS WORKED OUT THIS WAY...I NOW KNOW WHEN IT TRULY FEELS RIGHT. COMPLETE!
ps
I THOUGHT THIS ENTRY WOULD BE SHORT BUT.OH WELL! SORRY!

Ok. I have no idea what i want to say, and i really feel drained emotionally right now. Fucked up! Just when you think you have gotten into the right path...living your past behind, something creeps back and messes up with your mind. Everything these days seem to facilitate as triggers ;[.....FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! And their worse manifestations are in the forms of dreams, nightmares i should say. The same reoccurring fucking nightmares i had for years since 15.
I haven't had one of those for a year......and then Sunday night "here i come again to fuck with you"!!!!
BUT i want to believe that at least at this point i can get these ugly feelings under control, by just acknowledging them, accept how those situations affected who i am today, and how responsible these have been for my pains to this day, BUT AT THE SAME TIME DETACH MY SELF FROM THE MEMORIES...NOT TO RE LIVE THEM ONE BY ONE..JUST TREAT THEM AS SOLELY THAT: MEMORIES.
I can do this. I can do this. Just breathe, remember, cry if you must, but when the last tear has dried off, GO ON...NO UNNECESSARY PONDERING...
I CAN DO THIS.

(Feel a little better right now. Funny how every time i start wrighting things down, i am under the impression that i have no idea what i want/need to say and 2 seconds later....puke everything out!!!!).
well now that i did the "acknowledging" part, it is OVER! ENOUGH will not, must not waste a single minute getting stuck on it. After all the key to this..mechanism is the second part, the hardest part,DETACHMENT, MOVING ON THROUGHOUT THE DAY!
So i am moving on.......
i will study now as much as possible and then as a reward i will have one of my friends take me on a ride on his motorcycle...yey!!!

I remember her eyes
Shooting fire from within
I can hear my cries
To this day in my dreams

I was only a child
who craved your love
i did not even mind
every strike that i got
Every brose on my body
i could deal with that!
I was only a child
who could not earn your love

Did i not care for you
Every time you were "sick"?
Didn't i help you, comfort you
Right after each beat?
You see "Mother", i knew
you weren't fine
Thus i excused every wound
on every inch of my body

But the time had come
You had gone way too far!
I still dream of your hand
and that look in your eye

You were ready, no doubt
your knife said it all
Your words clear and loud
i was to disapear
away from your world

Like a wounded bird
I could no longer fly
I could not see the kindness
How i wanted to die!
How i wanted to run,
and never be found
How i wanted to hide
to escape through the clouds
To forget all the pain
To seize to exist
To curl up in a corner
To be left in the winds

And just like that
YOU came out from the dark
God! how much i miss you!
You were there for a reason
It wasn't just luck!

You, who gave me everything
When "SHE" left me with nothing

You, who had saved me
from the world i was standing

Every now and then i go back
I feel your presence..
All i need is that!
You gave me everything,
i wasn't your blood
You showed me, you taught me
I was worthy of your love

How could you do it,i could never figure it out!
she who gave birth to me, wanted me out
She wanted me dead, her own blood and flesh
The pain she caused, i could never forget

And just like that! You were taken from me
without the chance, of you seeing me "Free"
GOD HOW I MISS YOU
I HOPE THAT YOU KNOW
I need you embrace,
Do you see how i've grown?

Will you be there, I'll be all in white
right next to me, ready to start a new life
Will you be there to give me away?
Will you cry with happiness, as i walk on that day?
Make your presence that day, be known to me
I ll know when you come, i will be set free
I ll need you that day to give me away
You who has taught me a new life to live



Long story short:
kidnapped by my psychotic mother at 2 years old (never got the chance to meet my father). Physical/emotional abuse to the point of passing out...and waking up to her still kicking me! Biting me till blood would gush out ....TOO many sessions with psychiatrists...nothing worked.
BECAME TOO DANGEROUS. She tried to stab me at 15 but she couldn't because i had barricaded my self in my bedroom for 3 days..(yes! i had to pee in a corner of my bedroom and then cover it with clothes!)SO SHE WAITED DIDN'T GO TO SLEEP OR WORK FOR 3 DAYS FOR ME TO COME OUT! BITCH! She wanted to kill me and then kill herself..Finally she realized (?!) how severe this episode was and called the child services and came to pick me up. HAVEN'T SEEN HER, TALKED TO HER IN 11 YEARS ( i am 26 now but that little girl inside of me is still alive...you know?)
They came....lived from one house to the next for months...became like a wild animal. Untill this Angel took me in and gave me everything i ever needed, though at first i could not accept anything from her or anyone else...defense mechanism...i didn't even unpack my luggage for 6 months after i moved in with her. Her name was Androulla.
She died 1 year ago from cancer....i couldn't even be there with her..i was here in the US finishing up school, she wouldn't let me give up and risk never finishing school, so yeah! I LOST THE ONLY PERSON I WAS LEFT WITH AS FAMILY...i don't even want to ever go back home...ever! I think i could spend the rest of my life in the US, without even visiting "home" .,...no point any more!
I am sorry...this was supposed to be short!

"Na se kratiso tha thela
stis Tzepis to tzinaki
Se geitoneies kai stavrodromia
Se kathe mia mou stasi

Na ksetryponneis,
me mia matia na me karfonneis
na mou thimizeis
kosmous allous poio zestous....." (a.w.k.)

Giati na dennomai pantote me toso ligous anthropous kai meta na tous vlepo na mou fevgoun?..Na me eggataleipoun eute apo peristaseis, eite too much to hundle? FUCK THEM ALL!!!! XA!

"Gamot, Gamot, Gamot" state continues....
So, a lot has been going on inside of me....not ready to expose everything to the world, hell i am not even sure of anything myself yet....all i have to say at this point is "Gamot, Gamot, Gamot". All i am sure is that i NEED (!) certain people in my life right now and for ever no matter how they might be "labeled"! (Is this OK?)
Nevertheless though, it is not all bad....this situation also gives me quite a lot of inspiration, and motivation, although on the other hand i am so emotionally charged, so emotionally overstimulated, and unable to talk to anyone that could possibly understand, that i started cutting again (and this time quite badly :0 ) to relieve all the....? Anxiety? Pain? Confusion? Ecxitement? I KNOW! I AM NOT MAKING ANY SENsE!!!

OOKK!!
So I have been slacking off big time lately.
I skipped my 2 classes yesterday and instead stayed home, watched TV, pigged out and got depressed. You see...Yesterday marked 1 year of the death of my adoptive mother and the pain surfaced again..Can't concentrate on anything and i feel like shit!!FUCK!!!!
She was my rock.the one who took me in......accepted me with all my fucked up ways....loved me...comforted me...embraced me!
When my own mother kicked me out (after trying to stab me!!BITCH!!)at the age of 15, she was there......
MY ANGEL.......THE ONE AND ONLY YOU!!! I MISS YOU SO BAD.......BUT I WILL NEVER GET TO SEE YOU AGAIN......that was it!
You did not deserve this. I did not deserve this either. Now i am once again all alone. Why don't you come in my dreams anymore? I would give anything to hear your voice, to know that you had forgiven my fucked up ways, to feel your gentle touch one last time......even through a dream.
Did you ever really know how much i loved you?? how much i needed you???
YOU were my mother! NOT HER. Not that evil bitch from hell.
I wish that i could bring myself to call you "Mother" even once before you died. You deserved this much. You see i couldn't. The word "mother" for me back then was an evil concept.
You never judged me.
you never hit me. Always there for me to put my pieces back together.
DID YOU EVER KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MEANT FOR ME????
I wish i could have been by your side when you left. But we were so far away from each other. I know this is how you said you wanted it to be......for me to stay in the US and continue my studies while you were back home straggling. Still, how can i live with my self?? My last letter to you, you read 5 days before you left....it said it all, my love and respect for you, the fact that i wanted to be with you there, then.....YOU ALWAYS HAD A WAY OF COMFORTING ME IN EVERYTHING!!

I WANT YOU BACK
LIKE A LITTLE, IGNORANT CHILD WHO DOESN'T GET IT
I WANT YOU BACK
what am i supposed to do without you...without ANYONE??
Please..MOTHER!
Why can't you come back, put my face in your arms and for once more "FIX" me,
mend my broken heart, tell me you love me and gently kiss me.

There was a knock on my door that day
i stood there for a while..wondered
Could this be the day? shivers run my body
my heart went cold
I cursed him out..God

Mastering all the courage i could
i opened up, a friend looked up
i knew.my heart went cold
I cursed him out..God

scared, angry, cried for an eternity
exhausted, i layed there, my body paralyzed
and then i realized.."Once more, on my own"

time became irrelevant
day or night?
and then the cruel sounds of the mourning bells
At least now her body and spirit was at rest..
FOR EVER

I WANT YOU BACK
LIKE A LITTLE, IGNORANT CHILD WHO DOESN'T GET OT
I WANT YOU BACK
what am i supposed to do without you...without ANYONE??
Please..MOTHER!
Why can't you come back, put my face in your arms and for once more "FIX" me,
mend my broken heart, tell me you love me and gently kiss me.
my heart for ever now cold
I cursed him out..God

Current Mood: scared